Where ever you go it is someone's (edit everyone's) first day in public

2007-06-27T14:48:00.000-04:00

The following is a list of rules or guidelines for behavior and practices, if you will, for visiting any major city or generally congested area. Following these steps is the easiest way to ensure a pleasant interaction with all whom you come in contact.

In this installment we'll cover travel and shopping

The golden rule: You are the only person in existence.

Mass transit

When riding escalators be SURE that you stand in the middle of the step you are on so as to block the passage of commuters who are behind you. If you have luggage be sure to stand it next to NOT in front of your person. The same applies for family members and especially small children. Remember the golden rule, no one else needs to get past you so spread out and enjoy the ride.

Upon reaching the landing BEFORE you clear the handrails of the escalator you want to take this time to adjust your luggage, look for your phone, open/close an umbrella, discuss minutia with members of your party, check tickets. Basically anything that could be done 3 feet to the left or right of the escalator should be done in the landing. Pay no attention to the people piling up behind you or perhaps tripping over your luggage/children. Under no circumstances should you clear the landing and stand aside.

When riding subways be sure to look for your fair, card, or ticket whilst in the turnstyle. Never check for it before you get to the turnstyle and NEVER stand aside and let others through while you search.

The turnstyle is also the appropriate place to talk to someone on the other side or just wait for an arriving companion.

Newtons fourth law of enclosed spaces: It is smarter to force your way into an small area filled with exiting people rather than letting them disembark before entering. Basically what he's saying here is when the subway doors open push that old lady and her walker right back on the train, knock down pregnant women, go ahead force your way through the exiting commuters. This is the only way to ensure that you will get a seat because really you need 2 seats whether they be for bags or just both cheeks.

When entering a subway, bus or train that only has few commuters on it be sure to sit directly next to someone else especially in situations were the this seating arrangement would leave you touching the other person. If they have headphones on or are reading try to strike up a conversation. Topics to discuss can include medical ailments, or Jesus. This may be the most important rule. This rule also applies to all waiting areas, so where on a vehicle you would be sitting, on the platform you generally want to stand as close as possible to the other person.

Be as loud as possible. You may think that people riding mass transit wish to read their newspapers/books or listen to music, but you would be mistaken. They want to here about your itinerary, how you're doing in school, who you're dating, how the party was or is going to be. They also want to know how drunk you are or are going to get.

Eat. Don't wait till you get home. Especially if the food is rather aromatic. Fish? Yes. White Castle? You betcha! In fact even if you are not hungry just carry a sack of 30 around with you. An important part of this rule is leaving your refuse ON the train. Those things on the platforms that resemble garbage cans are only storage units for homeless peoples possessions...DO NOT throw your garbage in there. If you absolutely cannot leave your garbage on the train leave it within three feet of the aforementioned storage units, though NEVER inside them.

It is of the utmost importance that you let your children have complete freedom to do whatever they choose. They should be ignored as the run, jump and climb from seat to seat. Pay no attention to there loud screaming or whining. Be sure to give them sticky treats such as ice cream or any thing cover in jelly or syrup then follow through by ignoring them when they touch seats, commuters, windows, handles or anything else. Also if space permits don't seat them next to yourself but rather next to someone you do not know.

Traveling by foot

When traveling by foot in congested areas it helps to have a companion you can hold hands with. The idea here is to grasp your partners hand and spread out as far away from each other as you are able. This will block passerby from well...passing by. This is gives others a good chance to hear as much as they can about the events in your important life. This will also serve as a blockade or “clothesline” if you will for approaching pedestrians.

You should stop often and it should be done immediately and without warning. Never look behind you to see if someone would be in danger of bumping into you. When you do stop never stand aside when doing so, rather stop right where you are try to be centered in the main thoroughfare.

Look everywhere except where your are heading. Typical this will mean up, down, left and right, though try to avoiding looking back as this would violate the previous rule.

When traveling in inclement weather carry an umbrella never just wear a hat, regardless of how short the distance is that you need to walk or how congested the area you'll be traveling will be. Be sure the umbrella is held at the general eye height if others in your immediate area and make sure you block your own line of sight so you are unable see where you are going or what you are doing.

Walk backwards wherever and whenever possible.

Shopping

when shopping in narrow aisles it is best to stand in the middle of the aisle while surveying the available products. If you have a shopping cart, stroller, or carriage you generally want to put that behind you so you can't see who it's blocking.

Handle everything individually especially if it is not protected by packaging and especially if you aren't in the healthiest of states. This adds to the populations natural resistance to viral infections so you'll be doing a good thing.

Shopping can be similar to mass transit in that you want to let your children run free. There are many colorful things for them to touch, smash and scream about and you should let them. Also there are distracted people handling heavy equipment like handtrucks, full shopping carts, pallets filled with product etc. this is a good way to let natural selection run it's course. This is also the best place to strike up conversations with strangers. Again don't forget to talk about medical ailments and Jesus.

When checking out remember 15 items or less signs are the supermarkets way of keeping the line short so you can check your 70+ items out with speed and ease.

Your items are your “place holder” in a long line. Feel free to leave them were they are and continue shopping when in doubt leave a stranger in charge by telling them “watch my spot I'll be right back”

Now you are free to continue your shopping experience.

It is important that you stand not behind but rather next to the person ahead of you in line. Make steps forward at random increments. The idea is to succeed this person in line. If you cannot do this you must stand within inches of their person. It should be mentioned that it is always a good idea to take stock of the items of others. And again this is the ideal spot to strike up conversation.

This next rule cannot be overstated: If you have no concept of simple math, ability to follow directions or do not know how to read then the self check out is the place for you. The best bet is to get to the check out and say to someone, anyone really “how does this work?” DO NOT read the the instructions from the screen. If you are unable to get someone to do it for you start doing what you think should be done WHATEVER that may be no matter how counter intuitive it may seem (again without reading any instructions.)

When leaving the shopping area you want to stop in the narrowest exit area to do things like check your receipt, phone a spouse or a friend, search for car keys etc. never do this outside of a doorway or exit area.

It is advised to leave vehicles in areas cordoned off as “no parking/standing” otherwise you may be forced to walk 10 perhaps 15 feet to the main entrance. When leaving vehicles in these areas leave them running this adds to pollution. Leaving your hazard lights on will let everyone know that is is “OK” that you are breaking the law.

It is a good idea to keep fatty snacks on hand. In situations where you are forced to park further than expected you can replace calories that may have been burned by walking.

Ancillary Information

When traveling in major cities you'll see signs for areas refered to as parks. Though you'll probably assume this is an area designated for recreation it is actually an area intended to store your garbage

Never cover your mouth while coughing or sneezing

Always leave the house when you feel to sick to do so. Fresh air is the only cure.

Using cellphones is appropriate in all situations provided they are used loudly. Speaker phone is the preferred method of operation so as to allow others the joy of following along with your exchange.

Technological advances have turned the cellphone into more then just a phone, if your's plays MP3s don't use headphones rather load it up with obnoxious inappropriate songs and play them through the built in speaker. This has the added benefits of being in mono and rolling off all frequencies below 670 hz. while simultaneously accentuating the frequencies that irritate the human ear.

Congratulations! you get to be annoyed

2007-06-27T10:04:00.000-04:00

I would like follow the creators of the ad "congratulations! you have been selected to win a ______"(and variations) around with a bullhorn repeating that phrase. In church, the supermarket, on the street. Just constantly be repeating the phrase "Congratulations! You have won me following you around with a bullhorn repeating this sentence!"

For merely accepting such a job, the lady that says it deserves the same.

What's most interesting is these ads don't work. Most everyone I've ever met is refreshing the page at the first utterance of the word "congratulations" these ads don't promote brand recognition save that of Iphone and Xbox. Though as I suspected it seems to be confirmed that people will indeed click on anything http://www.webpronews.com/insiderreports/2007/05/22/some-people-will-click-on-anything

The ad doesn't appear often but it is incredibly grating and honestly audio ads of ANY kind should be verboten. I would include on the list any "auto play" music player. It's bad enough when people load the song that they think makes them look the most hip, quirky, unique, offbeat, underground etc. on myspace and you are clicking STOP long before the page finishes loading but when you visit a site you are unfamiliar with and some crappy playlist begins assaulting your auditory sensibilities and you now need to search the page for the player. This is fun because those smart enough to click "autoplay on page load" on their players don't often design the most easy to view/navigate web pages. They also usually have frightfully embarrassing taste in music. This is great in public places when the latest coldplay tune starts blasting out of your laptop.

Common courtesy - uncheck autoplay

Don't Read This

Where ever you go it is someone's (*edit* everyone's) first day in public

Congratulations! you get to be annoyed

Where ever you go it is someone's (edit everyone's) first day in public